Royal Navy News
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having
initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the
Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed
them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be
named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and
comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and
human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair
access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of
compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty
24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with
the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and
disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week
in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the
vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated
on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed
its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has
gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling
water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and
is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to
ask permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to
women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White
Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had
already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a
ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who
will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the
water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village
People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in
modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply
with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."