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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too
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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You’re in a wheel chair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
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