It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated.
However, the management realizes the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, our Human Resources department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offence to our more easily offended employees. The phrases are as follows:
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
Absolutely no fucking chance I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
You lying shit Are you quite sure about that?
Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you informed the management about that?
It’s got fuck all to do with me I don’t think I was involved in that project
Shove a brush up my arse and I’ll
sweep the fucking floor as well Would you like me to do that for you as well?
Am I the only twat here Would someone else care to answer the telephone
You haven’t got a fucking clue Perhaps you need a little more training in this
This place has gone to rat shit The office is looking a little untidy
Eat shit and die mother fucker I think I told you this would happen
You over paid shit for brains You’re my boss and I respect that
Fuck off smart arse Well-done
She’s a ball-busting bitch She’s a full time career woman
Get out of my face, dog breath I don’t think I require your assistance
Raving fucking arse bandit He’s very much in touch with his feminine side
Boy, are you in the shit Does the boss know about this?
Kiss my fucking arse I’d rather not if you don’t mind
Who the fuck are you? Are you new here?
No fucker told me I wasn’t given that piece of information
What sort of clueless fuck wit are you? You haven’t done this before, have you?
You’ve made a right cock-up of that It’s the sort of mistake anyone could make
I’m dying for a shit I’m going to wash my hands
It’s fucked It’s broken but I think I can fix it
It’s completely fucked It’s broken beyond repair
Fuck off I'd like to be alone for a while if you don’t mind
Fuck off you twat You are a very rude man