Sunday, 5 February 2012


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."

19 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning

when a bunk bed collapsed.

Police are attributing blame to Al' IKEA.

Speaking of which, I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s' iPod after realising that iTouchKids is not a good product name.

Also up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing machine then stops, thinking for a minute.

He shouts to his missus,

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yells back, "Manchester United.”

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.

He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"

The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "cans of lager and women with big tits."

River Dance with Army Boots and Rifles  Link


Luckyjoe said...

Another great post. Very funny and the "River Dance" was outstanding.

The Lord of Excess said...

Indeed .. hilarious :) Thanks!!