Church Ladies With Typewriters

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals..
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 The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
 The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
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 Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
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 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
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 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs . 
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 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." ___________________________________